Lunatic Mode: FE13 Abriged
by GummyWormValkrie
Summary: The honest and amusing playthrough of this truly amazing video game chronicling the insanity of the tactitian Mary, her reasonable brother Robin and a gang of lunatics following them around as soldiers. Written chapter-by-chapter. Rated T for some violence and a good deal of swearing.
1. Prologue: Pointless Premonition

"OVER THERE!"

"I see him! HUUUH!"

**Lunatic Mode Prologue**

* * *

_Since I've written quite enough horror for the next decade I'm going to make a humor series, kind of like an **FE13 Abridged**! As such I will do my best to make it quite funny. I'll go through every chapter in FE13 and possibly some Paralogues and DLC. Let us witness the power, bravery, and nonsense of the Brave Swords in our ridiculous adventure. _

* * *

_I have to say that this cutscene and chapter are both pretty much useless because you see them in the game anyway. Then again it did get my interest as soon as I played this game for the first time._

* * *

The petite brown-haired girl, looking decidedly harmless save the fierce glimmer in her dark eyes, thrust her handaxe with all her 18+2 Strength directly at the dark mage. An angered howl from him meant the weapon had connected, and his momentary falter let the lord leap towards him and slam his sword upon the damaged body.

Downed in a laughable two attacks, Validar crumpled, his body dissolving in purple mist like that of a Risen. His killer triumphantly raised her Handaxe above her head with great difficulty and shreed, "_I am now a semi-decent unit!_"

Next to her, her older brother Robin, his pink hair slightly ruffled in the recent struggle, rolled his eyes in annoyance. Mary could really be such a damn show-off. He was waiting for the day some enemy was going to inflict 500% of her max HP in damage. _Hey, it can happen._

_"This isn't over... DAMN YOU BOOOOOTH!"_ the Dark Mage screamed as he lie dead on the floor.

"Quick, Chrom, shield me with your body-!" Mary cried as she shoved the lord out of the path of the oncoming ball of dark magic. It struck her squarely in the chest, knocking her off her feet into a heap on the patterned floor.

"You all right?!" Chrom said loudly as he hurried to his wife's side. She turned her head and tried to whisper, "Chrom... Protect your wife more... She has crap Resistance as a melee unit..."

"Well, that's the end of him." came the answer, looking up proudly at the fading cloud of purple flame. In his arms he suddenly felt his wife struggle. Her eyelids were fluttering, and she looked in pain. _Well, she's a complete hypochondriac... But still..._

"What's wrong? Mary, hang on-"

He never finished his sentence, because the little hero thrust her axe into his chest without a word. Her Strength was greater than his Defense, so it caused him enough damage to stagger backwards in dying motions. Gibbering that it wasn't his wife's fault that she'd just shoved an axe in his ribcage, Mary stared at him in complete shock. According to Chrom she and her moderately capable and sane brother needed to escape this place now and leave the most important character in the game behind. With that, he face-planted in an invisible puddle of his own blood.

_I killed him? That doesn't make sense... In the game I use magic but I'm not a magic user...  
This makes no sense...  
Where are you, Lucina...?_

Validar's laughs echoed through the vast chamber in victory. For just this one time, the enemy side got a default win.


	2. Chapter 1: The Verge Of Decent Units

**Lunatic Mode 2: The Verge Of Decent Units  
**

* * *

_For the record, I'm playing on Hard Classic mode.  
_

* * *

"OKAY, JUST LIE DOWN HERE AND PRETEND YOU'RE UNCONSCIOUS."

Robin pointed to the grassy floor of the clearing. Mary rolled her eyes but reluctantly lie down on her side, closing her eyes and positioning herself to look like she'd sustained injury.

"So why is this necessary again? It would be just as easy if we just walked up to Chrom and volunteered to join his army." Mary grumbled, straightening her headband so the peach flower wouldn't get crushed against the ground.

"Chrom only cares about you because he thinks he found a corpse, Mary." Robin replied patiently. "I'll go get him; you wait here and act like a corpse."

"Robin, what if _Henry_ comes along?" Mary called as her brother turned to leave, a pale flush building in her cheeks as she spoke.

"Use your imagination, Mary."

* * *

"Chrom, we have to do _something_."

"What do you propose we do?"

"Ummm... I'm pretty sure she's still alive."

Chrom groaned, bending down to observe the stranger more carefully. Her face was half-hidden underneath her arm, but just seeing it revealed that she was indeed still alive. Almost as soon as his eyes locked on her closed ones, the boy he'd ran into asked him to step aside.

"Milord, I can wake her up. From what I can see, she's not injured in any manner."

Reaching for the silver axe he carried around for no discernible reason, Robin positioned the weapon just above Mary's head, its blade glimmering in the sunlight.

"Wait! What are you doing?!" Chrom shouted, his sister giving a gasp and covering her eyes. "Slicing her head off isn't going to revive her!"

"I know." Robin replied patiently, lifting the axe high into the air. "But she always wakes up whenever I do this." Chrom stared disapprovingly, but didn't protest. Something about this boy just seemed to be... well, _right. _He really felt like the kind of person who knows what he's doing and thinks before taking action.

Before bringing down the axe, Robin whispered in a deep, hoarse voice to his sister.

_There ain't no heaven, but I'm taking you to hell._

Like a bolt of lighting had struck her, the girl not only woke up but literally jumped to her feet with a sharp but deep-voiced cry. Large, dark eyes met Chrom's blue ones and the girl smiled gleefully.

"Oh, wow! Robin, I was having the _weirdest _dream... Wait, who are these people?" The girl's voice was loud, but surprisingly deep and masculine-sounding for such a small girl.

Chrom took a moment before answering to observe the awakened stranger. Her hair was short and a dark, slightly murky brown, a flowered headband making it look more feminine. She was barely taller than Lissa and quite thin, her cloak, leggings and shirt oversized. A sword and book of thunder magic were strapped to her belt. Apart from her hair and stature, she looked quite a bit like Robin, and their similar dress gave Chrom the idea that the two must be siblings.

"Are you all right?" Chrom asked as Mary straightened herself up, still smiling like an eager child. She nodded, with a "Thank you, Chrom."

"Hmm? You know my name?" the lord asked in surprise, his eyes narrowing slightly.

"Er... yeah. Just... just a random piece of info that came to me..." Mary continued, looking a little awkward. "I always forgot what it was in the demo version every time I played."

"And yours?" Chrom asked, extending his hand for Mary to shake. She took it, but found suddenly she couldn't remember hers. Was it Victoria, or Ronnie, or maybe Vanessa? "Ummm... I can't recall..."

"Really?" Robin inquired, looking with some concern at his sister. "So you know _his _name... but not yours? Doesn't that sound like a really stupid and meaningless plot point?"

"Meaningless, my ass." Mary answered with a confident toss of her head. "But no, Sir Chrom. I can't quite remember... Umm, where am I, anyway?"

"Her name's Mary." Robin broke in a little impatiently. (Mary gave a gasp of remembrance.) "I'm her brother, so I'd know."

"And, you are?" Chrom went on, smiling at the pink-haired youth.

"Er... Now that you mention it..." Robin trailed off, blushing quickly in embarrassment. His sister was quick to fill him in.

"Good thing you're siblings, or else we'd be in an even more confusing spot." Chrom commented. Lissa added, "Yeah, strange..."

"Sound like pegasus shit if you ask me." a nearby Great Knight called Fredrick butted in, shooting a death glare at Mary. "You knew milord's name before you knew the color of his fucking hair, but you can't pull your own name out of that head? You sound pretty damn suspicious if you ask me and any chance of getting support with me is zip and zilch, female."

"Fredrick, that was rude." Chrom chastised, noting how angry Mary looked. "So it is a bit strange and useless that you don't your name. But since you both seem to be amnesiac, we'll take you two back with us to Ylisstol. If we run into brigands at least we'll have-"

"_Chrom! _There's smoke over there! And that means the villages are being attacked by brigands, definitely not a cooking fire!" Lissa screamed suddenly, pointing down the long path. Fredrick gave a loud groan of exasperation but Robin's fingers tightened around his axe. _Wait, how the hell do I use this thing? I'm a tactitian; we can't fight with axes. They're too complicated and difficult to find out exactly how to use in combat._

"Fucking brigands, always jumping in at the first chapter to kill us so we have to redo the damn thing!" Chrom grumbled. With a wave of his hand for the company to follow, he dashed off into the first battle of the game.

* * *

"ROBIN! ATTACK HIM!" Mary screamed at her brother as he stood idly next to her, his sword drawn. The brigand facing them needed at least three strikes to kill thanks to Bronze weapons.

"I can't, that would make the whole game too easy." Robin replied. "Walk in on me naked later on and maybe I'll feel more inclined to help my comrades."

"Ugghh... I remember when brigands had a 30% chance of hitting you. Now I get axes in my head like magnets to a fridge." As she finished that sentence there was a fresh slash across her chest dripping invisible blood.

Chrom was riding with Fredrick for the sake of stat decency, wishing he could use the 13 power weapon like his vassal at the first chapter. Another brigand crumpled to the ground under his feet and he thrust his sword proudly. "Ah, Fredrick, sometimes there's just nothing like killing some brigands. I mean, it's not as though they're actual people or anything."

"Milord, mage approaching!" Fredrick called, but Chrom still got a faceful of Elwind magic. HP dipping to well below half, Chrom dealt a great retaliatory swipe at the villain. while Fredrick mumbled, "Naga-damned enemies stronger then we are, I swear!"

Meanwhile, Mary had traded places with her brother on a mage who was bullying Lissa at the back of the town. Robin used his Bronze sword to slice the mage's throat, causing 12 damage, and groaned as a ball of electricity slapped his body. To his great relief Mary lashed out, dealing another 11 damage as she stabbed the Mage squarely in the heart with her sword.

"Level up!" he crowed truimphantly, lowering his weapon. HP, Defense, Luck and Resistance all improved by a point, satisfying Robin. "Mary, this mean you get the boss. Lissa, a little help?"

"What other game do you get to start with a healer?" Lissa said with a grin as both sibling's wounds stitched in the magical green light. "So convenient to be able to heal injuries in a second in these Dark Ages, isn't it?" Quickly he and his sister moved to where the leader stood waiting.

"Hey, Roddick! Why do you get a _Short_ Axe?!" Mary complained as she faced the brigand. "You shouldn't even see Critical chances on enemies in the first fucking chapter. I mean, come on."

"Hard Mode, girlie!" Roddick replied, running towards the tactitian with his axe raised. Robin's eyes widened as he saw what the boss was doing, but he couldn't jump in to protect his sister with a mere 3% chance. _Well, you get shit Luck if you make it your flaw._

"HARD MODE!"

Sparks flew everywhere as Mary was 8-percented. Her HP instantly fell to nil, and she flew backwards in slow motion, banging onto the ground on her side. Robin facepalmed with a muffled curse.

_"Oh... shit... Restart... Chapter..."_ she rasped, closing her eyes. Behind her Chrom caught on to the fact that she'd been killed, and instead of getting Lissa to heal her merely yelled, "NO! MARY!"

"Milord, we only need _one _tactitian for this game!" Fredrick pointed out impatiently. "Continue! We can lose a useless unit."

_"RESTART THE FUCKING CHAPTER."_


	3. Chapter 2: Unwelcome Zombies

**Lunatic Mode 3: Unwelcome Zombies**

* * *

_I absolutely suck at romantic speeches._

* * *

AFTER THE SECOND ATTEMPT ON THE FIRST CHAPTER, Chrom and his fellows successfully vanquished the small number of brigands. The bad news was that now they had to keep walking to Ylisstol, thanks to Fredrick's rather impolite refusal to stay the night in the village. (It went something like a regular offer being made and Fredrick rejecting, the civilian insisting, and then came the racial slurs, the threats and the barrage of modern-day cussing.)

"Seriously? I feel like I just gave birth or something." Mary complained, leaning a little on Robin's sturdy shoulders. "Getting killed _hurts_, you know."

"Suck it up, Miss Drama Queen!" Fredrick snapped, backhanding the little girl. "Battle hurts! And this is just the first part, in about twenty chapters you'll be seeing enemies that can fuck you over in a single encounter with their Thoron and their Killer Axes. Getting criticaled by any enemy is a crying shame for any decent unit. Shape the fuck up."

Mary, rubbing her cheek, gave Fredrick a glare, but Robin retaliated with "Leave her alone or I'll trip you the next time you're about to critical an enemy." Fredrick looked away and Chrom chuckled. The lord was already starting to like the two thanks to their radically different personalities.

* * *

Hours later, it was nearly midnight and Mary was close to falling over her own feet. Even Chrom's legs were beginning to bow, but of course Fredrick rode his mare ahead with Lissa perched behind because "A princess should be treated as such."

"Okay... If we keep marching much longer I'm going to vomit..." Mary moaned. Robin glanced at her, and noticed she was pale and sweating quite a bit more than usual.

"You okay, Mary?" Robin asked, stopping short as she slumped forward. Chrom was now staring at her and she didn't quite care what Fredrick was thinking about her. "Marching doesn't make you nauseous, to the best of my knowledge."

"Knowledge... my..."

Mary looked up at her brother, her eyes half-closed. Then she sank onto the ground and began to snore softly.

"Well, I suppose it's high time to get some sleep." Fredrick declared, shoving Lissa off his horse's rear. "Chrom and Robin, you two fetch some wood. I'll make the fire."

"Somehow, I don't trust you alone around Mary." Chrom answered suspiciously. "I'll go with Lissa."

"Yes, milord." Fredrick grumbled. Robin sat down next to his sleeping sister, feeling quite tired himself. Fredrick was gathering stones for the fire, an irritated frown on his face. Yawning, Robin blinked lazily. _Thankfully this will be the only time we actually have to sleep outside. It would be so inconvenient if the zombies came.  
_

* * *

"...Huh?"

Chrom lifted his head suddenly. Lissa was sleeping with her head about an inch from the fire and Robin was using his sister's cloak as a pillow, but that wasn't what disturbed him. It was a calm and clear night with no people for miles, but there was still something wrong.

He stood up slowly, clutching the Falchion with apprehension. Lissa finally realized how close she was to having her hair burned and lifted her head sleepily.

"What's wrong, big brother?"

"...Nothing. It just seems... strange..." Chrom murmured, looking around the clearing. His infallible intuition told him there were enemies in the area, causing him to grip the Falchion in preparation. Lissa wandered sleepily behind him.

Suddenly the forest floor shuddered, and trees started to collapse like obese people falling down escalators. Yelling for Lissa to follow, Chrom ran away like an insane and extremely horny male dog chasing after a ripe and curvy bitch, fear pounding in his heart like blood flowing through a disembodied vein. Fiery balls of lava shot into the air, glowing like the eyes of an evil anime character, then blazing flames sprang up from the grass like schoolchildren surprising a particularly rotten teacher. The dark night sky then seemed to ripple like a kiddie pool with a drowning two-year-old thrashing futilely, then ashy gray rays of light shone from a bright disk like the beautiful sun.

"ENOUGH with the fucking similes!" Chrom cried out in anger. From the disk in the sky slowly emerged two human-like figures, which plummeted to the ground like an exhausted supermodel running low on- Oh, sorry.

One of the figures lunged at the lord as soon as it regained its footing but Chrom was ready. Close-up, it looked and sounded like a zombie. A sharp slash to the chest would have killed any actual person, but then the figure merely struck back at Chrom with its axe. It missed, and Chrom was able to slash it again, knocking it to the ground, and finish it off by plunging his sword in its back.

Lissa's shrill scream, a trademark of that of a cleric, alerted Chrom she was in danger. He ran to defend her, but too late- the zombie raised its axe, and brought it back down on-

When she dared to look back up, Lissa was astonished to see a crossdressing transgender blocking the hit for her, her face hidden by a mask. Without a word to Lissa she turned her head towards Chrom and yowled in a clearly feminine voice, "Well, give me some damn help here!"

"Right!" Chrom answered, brandishing the Falchion and landing another deathly slash across the zombie's back. It gave an artificial-sounding moan, eyes dimming, then burst into a wisp of thick purple smoke and faded from sight.

The transgender sheathed her sword, no one noticing it was precisely the same as Chrom's.

"Quite a fancy entrance. What's your name?"

Turning her head a little, the stranger waited a few seconds before answering- three, to be precise.

"It is not for you to know. And since I'm supposed to be offscreen now, it won't matter."

Chrom forgot the stranger completely as soon as he caught sight of more zombies closing in around them. Mary and Robin, awake once more, were both holding their swords and motioned to Chrom that they were ready to fight. Grabbing Lissa to use her as his partner, he headed for a clump of trees and watched the approaching zombies follow.

"YOU'RE FINISHED! HI-AAAH!"

Mary's battle yells were loud enough to startle Robin out of helping her, but it didn't matter- Thunder magic had given a 5% crit to the lucky girl. She proudly thrust her sword downward, not a scratch marring her body as yet. But a second later a flying arrow made connection with her collar, and swearing Mary dealt a furious return blow- and promptly missed.

"I crit and then I MISS?! This is fucking retarded! Robin, you fight for me next turn!"

A loud rustling sounded in the bushes behind them, and Mary turned to see a Cavalier riding into the clearing with a blue-haired archer trailing her, panting heavily and bending to the ground as she stopped short next to Mary. A glare contorted the Cavalier's face as she spoke her first sentence to Mary.

"Well, fuck a fucker up the fat ass, it's the zombie apocalypse! Don't say nobody ever fuckin' warned you, yellowbellied bitch! I caught that miss a pissin' MILE away!"

"...Huh?" Mary asked blankly, feeling the girl's gaze boring into her face. Behind her the archer had recovered himself, and the instant Mary registered in his vision he began _his _first sentence to her.

"Oh, gods bless my soul! Have my eyes ever seen such divine and exquisite beauty? My beloved, will you grant me the blessed pleasure of thy name?" he spouted, taking Mary's hand in his own like he'd known her for years.

Mary seemed to have forgotten her name again, and Robin provided the answer. The cavalier rolled her eyes and cursed again while the archer looked like Christmas came early.

"Oh, dearest Mary... Will you give me the honor of marriage?"

"Shut the fuck up, Virion, or I'll be forced to feed your your own crap in some shitty parody of _Salo, or The 120 Days Of Sodom._ Mary, don't get sucked into his bullshitty female obsession, he was harassing the whole way here. I'm Sully and I will royally fuck you up if you can't remember it."

"Er... Nice to meet you two." Mary mumbled, finally rediscovering her voice. "Now go to that fortress over there and let's keep killing these zombies for experience."

"Oh, HOT DAMN!" Sully crowed, shoving Virion onto her horse and galloping off with lance raised. Robin had just completed the butchering of another fighter rather handily, despite a small cut extending over his arm. "Mary, we'll let Chrom take the boss this time?"

"Yeah." Mary replied as she looked around for a spare fortress, almost swearing herself when she realized the spare one was taken up. "That Sully! She can get her fat little ass off that right quick-"

"Mary, is Sully's language rubbing off on you?" Robin chuckled, looking amused. Mary ignored him and focused on how Virion stood idly by as Sully dealt hit after hit to the same enemy. Up at the adjacent fortress Chrom was riding with Fredrick, having a whale of a time killing the enemy boss thanks to inaccurate ranged weapons.

* * *

About six minutes later, the larger group ranged around the clearing in front of the strange transgender woman who had taken care of most of the zombies. Once again, nobody seemed to notice she was using the same sword as Chrom.

"All the zombies are dead again now. This young man took care of the others." Fredrick broke the awkward silence as everyone stared at the stranger, none of them having seen many crossdressers. The transgender nearly corrected him on account of gender identity, but thought better of it.

"Well, you'll be seeing a lot more of them." she replied in as low a voice as she could manage. "The whole world will be overrun in however much time it takes for you to reach the final chapter. You have been warned."

"Wait, will we see you again? We could use your assistance, sir." Chrom asked as the woman turned to leave. She paused, and replied, "Sixth chapter. Good day to you."

Mary, realizing she'd fought adequate battles with her brother, smiled as she wondered what madness the game would give her when support conversations were unlocked. Still, thanks to incest laws, he couldn't be her partner. _I can't partner up with any girls, actually... Homophobes.  
_  
"Chrom, can we get to the first town now?" Lissa whined after a few moments. He nodded even thought it was about two in the morning and none of them had gotten any more than about an hour of sleep. _Well, then again Mary just has to save the game and we'll get to town. All travel's done offscreen, thank the gods._


	4. Chapter 3: Brave Swords

**Lunatic Mode 4: Brave Swords**

* * *

_Before Gaius the Warrior__, I've never used an axe-user other than Hector in FE7._

* * *

AFTER A MONTH OR SO OF WRITER'S BLOCK, the Brave Swords reached the bustling medieval town of Ylisstol. Sully and Virion had retreated somewhere offscreen and Chrom was discussing with his older sister (who looked absolutely nothing like he did) the best plan of action regarding the zombie invasion. At the moment, Mary was having difficulties being accepted in the garrison Lissa introduced her to.

"Vaike, NO. Axe users are goddamn morons who have no Skill, I've never used one before and I'm NOT about to!" Mary yelled, glancing at the mere 8 base Skill Vaike came with. _Fuck, no... just keep discriminating, Mary!_ _  
_

"Okay, then I guess you're missing out on Counter!" Vaike shot back, glaring at the little girl standing there with her arms folded. Robin stood a few feet away, introducing himself to a pink Pegasus knight who stood near a corner with a nightshade flower clutched in one hand. (For Robin, "introducing himself" to a female generally meant exchanging sexual comments to see how interested she was in him.)

"So how about I be your partner, in case there's a battle soon?" Robin offered with his warm smile. Sumia gave a giggle, but to determine her decision she began plucking the petals off the purple flower.

"Hey, fools. It's like five in the morning by now, but there's a bunch of zombies outside and we gotta take care of 'em." Chrom announced as he entered the barracks, looking frustrated. "Who wants to put their lives on the line?"

"I volunteer!" Vaike shouted, dashing outside and leaving his axe lying in plain view on the table. Mary grinned as an idea blossomed in her head, and led Robin, Chrom and the invisible man standing against the wall into the sunlit battlefield. And after discussing strategy for a few seconds a green Cavalier ran into the group, his hair tussled about on his head somewhat like a female unit's.

"S-sorry I'm late!" Stahl said, panting a little. "I skipped breakfast to come here on time! They had muffins... and cakes... and-well, I'll tell you about it on the walk."

"You mean in the battlefield?" Mary corrected. "Sorry, Stahl, but the game needs some generic enemies. Wait here for Scientist to show, and please warn me if I'm about to take a Critical. You should have seen Chapter 1!"

"Er..." Stahl mutely watched as Mary grabbed Robin's shoulder, charged down five spaces and slapped a Fighter Risen across the rotting face with her Bronze Sword. It took damage but didn't crumple, and attempted to retaliate but missed Mary by a mile. Her brother groaned, but remained alongside her. He didn't want her to get killed again, knowing it would mean an instant chapter restart if he did. Lissa and Fredrick retreated to the bushes, Sully and Virion headed south and Vaike promptly barged into the thick of the fighting. His fists were raised, and as though accepting his challenge several Risen shuffled closer to him.

"SPLENDID! I've caught up! Now to exterminate these brutes..." a Mage puffed as she dashed into battle, holding Vaike's missing axe. Unfortunately, even if the common axe wasn't too intricate and difficult to use to kill things (_but this magic book, that's no problem!_) she would have no Strength to back it up. Jumping on Stahl's horse, the two ran for a patch of hills a few spaces away.

Farther up, Sully was trying to ignore Virion's repeated flattering comments whilst killing a Mercenary with higher Speed than she. She thought that if he didn't Dual Strike in the next three turns or so, she'd complain to Mary and offer herself as a wife for Chrom instead. Sully and Virion was apparently Mary's favorite couple, and therefore Sully was not about to disappoint her.

"GRRAAAGH! Chrom... The mighty Vaike... falls..." Vaike gargled out his second and last sentence in this series, collapsing on the grass with sword slashes decorating his body. Seconds later his body faded out of sight, and Mary smiled in grim accomplishment. Apart from her, none of the other units spoke of or even seemed to take notice of the dead Fighter.

Another scream came from Miriel as she was struck by a sword, her HP falling to half on impact. Stahl angrily galloped to the perpetrator and whipped it with his sword, before handing her a Vulnerary he'd swiped from the hapless Pegasus knight back in the garrison.

"Why, thank you." Miriel said with a gracious bow. "But I must say, I fail to understand the rationale behind pairing a melee unit and a magic unit for combat purposes. You augment my Defense, perhaps, but fail to help my Magic and Skill? Would it not have greater efficacy in a magic-and-magic combination?"

"Well, don't ask me." Stahl replied, pushing back a scrap of hair from his forehead. "Do you have a comb on you? "

Behind the combat, Fredrick stayed on the sidelines with Lissa in tow, scowling at Mary as she actually managed to kill an enemy. As usual Robin waited at her side, reluctantly holding his sword ready in case he had to Dual Strike again. The only reason robin planned to preserve his sister's life was to ensure she would birth the desired princess.

"Oh, _fuck! _Virion, ya seriously can't hit a goddamn enemy from THAT distance? Looks far enough to shoot an arrow to my eyes..." Sully complained, glaring at Virion as he cradled a long wound on one arm. The archer, unfazed by Sully's criticism, took several steps back and shot an arrow from his quiver, giving a satisfied chuckle when the enemy recoiled sharply from the 12 damage.

"Ah, impressive!" Virion crowed. "I, Virion, surpass the many archers from all previous games! Mary told me so!"

Groaning, Sully trotted towards her partner and pounded his skull with a hard fist. "YOUR FIRST HIT, retard! There's plenty-ass more where that came from, so don't get cocky!"

Robin's only victim was the chief Risen, bringing down his sword with a fervent prayer to not be seven-percented. Mary followed his strike and managed to bring down the burly Barbarian, and quickly the creature was nothing more than a fading purple mist. She let out an enthusiastic victory yell as the stage was cleared, dodging Robin's attempt to hit her in his exasperation. _I wish the game would let me just kill her now..._

"Wow... That sure wasn't easy for one of the first chapters." Chrom spoke as the units began to gather around him and Lissa. "Did that asshole Vaike scrape through?"

"Hell no!" Mary replied. Chrom indifferently waved his hand in a gesture to get moving, and the expanded Brave Swords plodded across the bloodless battlefield, off in the general direction of the Feroxi realm. _Ylisse has no power left, so now we're forced to turn to _these_ battle-obsessed fucks... Gods, I'm so embarrassed. _

* * *

Later that day, Mary managed to get a brief rest in the barracks. However, Chrom budged in to support with her, ignoring the fact that she had zero interactions with him in the past battles.

"Mary, I think you need to relax more." Chrom began, and Mary gave her eyes a slight roll. "There's going to be a lot of random battles for pretty much the rest of the game... and if you die, we're all pretty much fucked. I mean, it's not like _I _can tell my soldiers who to kill..."

"Oh, I will, enough." Mary replied, giving a wide smile. "But I do need to get enough sleep, so let's keep the nighttime invasions to a-"

"Wait, you're a... _woman?_" Chrom said, more loudly than intended. Mary's eyebrows contracted in surprise, but she didn't speak yet. Chrom realized his mistake and quickly corrected himself. "I-I mean... I'm sorry, Mary. I just don't quite see a _woman _when I look at you..."

"Well, what DO you see, a man?" Mary cried angrily. "Gods, Chrom- can't tell the fundamental differences between a male and a female? Do I need to SHOW you-"

"NO! ...No, that won't be necessary..." Chrom interjected, blushing furiously. "I apologize, Mary. I'm just terrible at talking to ladies..."

"Yeah, I can see that." Mary grumbled, turning to leave. Chrom watched her go, a little disappointed with himself. Making friends with this talented girl could have a world of benefits to him, and since her own brother seemed to care little for her, it seemed Chrom was the best option for her partner.

_Well, once you eliminate Stahl. And Virion, and Gauis, and Henry, and Lon'qu... Good gods, that many husbands?! What a player..._


	5. Chapter 4: SumiaShipping

**Lunatic Mode 5: SumiaShipping**

* * *

**If you're wondering why it took so long for me to publish anything again, I was trying to counsel Morgan with his grief for Mary. He told me daydreaming helped, but I didn't want to hear about any more of them after he talked about- Never mind. **

* * *

SNOW FELL FROM THE GRAY SKY as the Brave Swords advanced the few dozen miles between Ylisstol and Feroxi. It gave a sort of nostalgia for Mary as she remembered Ilia from FE7, the snowy land of pegasus riders and overly complicated castle battles. Lissa was complaining, as usual, about the cold while Fredrick reluctantly towed her along on his mare, shooting loud curse words at Mary every time she said something.

"Fredrick, I'm freezing!" Lissa whined for the umpteenth time. Chrom groaned; he wasn't even wearing a proper tunic and yet he felt fine. Fredrick, patient with Lissa as always, rubbed her hair and said soothingly, "We'll be there soon. Only about another month or so of writing laziness, Lissa."

"Wait..." Chrom suddenly stopped the group, causing the trailing units to all bump into each other (Sully started to swear again). Chrom looked around, a scowl of annoyance deepening on his face. Preemptively Mary reached for her Bronze sword, grinning and appearing ready for another twenty-minute chapter filled with the threat of each unit dying with one errant strike. Robin muttered some exasperated phrases, surveying the area for the enemy's classes. Chrom, always the thoughtful one, headed for where the leader seemed to be.

"Who goes there?!" came a sharp female voice from atop the roof. Chrom tried to shout that they "needed aid from Feroxi", ignoring Mary and Robin trying to explain that the enemy wouldn't hear him from where he stood and probably assume he was dangerous. And sure enough, several iron-clad soldiers advanced to the railing and aimed their spears at the lord, who braced himself to be skewed to death on the spot.

But with dramatic suddenness, a pink pegasus knight swooped down from above and grabbed Chrom half a second before the spears hit him. Rising back up unprofessionally, Sumia began to circle the fortress, searching carefully for any killer archers to ascertain a safe landing spot.

"Sumia...?" Chrom gasped, thanking the gods his game hadn't lasted only four chapters. The ditzy young knight turned around and said, in her pegasus-kinght-high-pitched tone, "Yep! Don't fall off, Captain!"

"Wait, why didn't you just join last chapter?" Chrom questioned angrily, just noticing how easy it was for _two_ people _to sit on one horse_...

"My pegasus told me she wanted to do something heroic." Sumia answered with a dim-looking grin. "She wanted it to be dramatic enough to make a cutscene about."

"Sumia! SOLDIERS!" Chrom reminded her, keeping his eyes on the knights crouching at least twenty feet below.

"Oh, shit!"

Covering her mouth after realizing her own vocabulary, Sumia steered her flailing steed down to the castle's front wall. The remainder of the Brave Swords seemed to be jeering at her, pointing and giving shouting commands she couldn't quite make out.

"Everything alright down there?" Sumia called, her horse tossing its head while she continued to tug at her reins. When they were just above the snow Chrom dismounted, but Sumia's pegasus was being difficult and refusing to let her rider anyplace near the army's commander. About ten feet away, Virion tensed up his bowstring with a faint chuckle as Mary whispered something in his general direction.

"_Adieu!_"

"Huh?" Sumia turned around to see an arrow connect with her upper chest. Sully groaned, Virion quickly hid his bow and a shock of terror came to Robin's face. Stahl indifferently tried to brush out his hair with Miriel's glasses, unconcerned since he couldn't pair up with Sumia anyway.

"Oh, my god! LISSA! We need a healer-" Robin shouted, quickly going into panic mode.

"Sorry, Robin." Lissa interjected, still huddling close to Fredrick's armored mare. "Can't heal a dead or dying unit, even if I'm right next to them and all."

"Arrgh..." Robin shielded his eyes from Sumia's dropped body, bleeding invisible blood onto the snow, but not his ears from her dying words. "N-No... Sorry I was... such a..." Unable to conclude, Sumia died in silence.

"Damn it... Sumia, you could have done so much... My beautiful, sweet little knight..." Robin whispered, cursing Mary inside. It took a lot of restraint to stop him knocking the annoying little girl to the ground and holding her captive there for the rest of the battle.

"Okay, staring-at-the-dead-body-time is over." Mary said to snap Robin out of his trance, making the pink-haired, grown man draw his Bronze Sword once again.

"Seriously? Mary, I honestly HATE battles in the first couple chapters. They're annoying and difficult." Robin complained, earning him a rather harsh reproach from Sully. (What do you fuckin' think, asshole? Been this way since two thousand and fucking three, damn Chapter 11 with fucking Eliwood and his shit!) "Can't even imagine Lunacy Mode..."

"Ah, did you see such expertise?" Sumia's murderer Virion said to Sully, wearing a confident smile and seemingly oblivious to his partner's reddening face. "With me, dearest Sully, you may assuredly consider yourself safer than-"

"SHUT UP!" Sully's only reply was the vicious stabbing of her lance at the annoying archer, dealing a mediocre 9 damage. Virion tutted, shooting another arrow at the adversary but still not quite killing it.

Stahl and Miriel weren't having a nice time, either. Miriel kind of loved to sit idly by while Stahl worked his Cavalier ass off attempting to kill units that were ridiculously resilient for one of the first chapters. Not to mention, the Mage's defenses were quite mediocre when compared to- Oh, I have to get on with the story here.

Meanwhile, Kellam was screaming obscene phrases at Chrom and Mary and waving his arms in wide circles, frustrated that nobody had the impression of noticing his presence. At the same time Lissa was trying to steer Sumia's disobedient pegasus to the directions of her will, although the animal was copying Kellam's current demeanor. The skies were safer than the ground, that much was certain, judging by Robin barely able to hold up his sword anymore.

"No, down there! Where Robin is... NO! Get away from Sumia!" Lissa's commands had no effect on the pegasus, which didn't help Robin any. He was hiding in a scant patch of trees, cursing under his breath that all the other female units were paired up. It surprised him that the game designers only included _invisible_ blood along with all this violence...Those ruffians would literally scream when they were killed, and swords, arrows and the complex axe could become lodged in places like the-

"LEVEL UP AGAIN!" Mary's shrill cry hurt Robin's ears even from the distance, though the +1 boost in Magic only shut her right up. "DAMN IT!"

"Alright, alright. Mary, over to those stairs." Chrom directed his frustrated partner to a stairwell, which would offer greater Avoid and make the battle just a bit more safe. Stahl and Miriel seemed to be trading blows with a single archer, Miriel's explosive cries when an arrow hit her confirming damage was being done. As for Sully and Virion, the foulmouthed cavalier was having a rather easy time picking on the archers, who wouldn't strike back when attacked outright.

"Honest to gods, is it Chapter 12 yet?!" Sully yelled angrily, even Virion looking surprised at her temper. "Seriously! Why do ALL the first chapters have to be so... BORING AND DIFFICULT?!" Robin glanced at her from several spaces away, wondering if he could boot aside Virion to take over... He noticed a barbarian was determinedly advancing towards Fredrick, holding up what looked distinctly like a-

"Fredrick, HAMMER COMING!" Robin screamed, automatically covering his eyes and bracing himself for some nasty words. The great knight took a multiplied 33 damage with a staggering 54% Hit rate, and nobody was quite prepared for the vehement stream of awful curses he spewed in those last embarrassing seconds. _("SHIT! SHIT IN A BARREL! SHIT UP A FUCK'S ASS! SHIT BETWEEN THE FUCKING ASS-CHEEKS OF A BITCH! SHIT IN A NEWBORN BABY'S FUCKING SWEET LITTLE WHITE ASS!")_

"Well, one less to look after." Mary spoke quite nonchalantly, most of the other Brave Swords staring with mild interest at Fredrick's rather obese horse. (Stahl was now using one of the covers of Miriel's magic books to try to comb out his frazzled hair.) "Miriel, nobody left but Raimi. Put on some of that bimbo's armor and get on with it. And you, Lissa- stand right there, time to get you some early-chapter heal grinding."

"Wait!" Robin hurried to grab Lissa's shoulders before she could move another space. "I'll be you assistant!"

"Stop quoting other units." Lissa grumbled, lifting her staff to repair the severe damage Robin had taken. Mary was watching the two rather closely, crowding in the other units to build a "support web" in order to save Miriel from being split in half by Raimi's javelin. Stahl ran along with the Mage to deal extra damage, but his sword just bounced harmlessly off the thick armor.

"Burn in this fire!" Miriel crowed, getting more enthusiastic as she chipped away Raimi's vast HP. "Perish among these consuming flames, melt into a miniscule, shapeless blob of blazing goop in this fiery inferno! _Feel the hell of my almighty blaze, chewing at that puny armor with all the strength of the sun!"_

"Miriel, I think she's down now..." Stahl pointed out, rousing Miriel of her dramatic stupor. She received an advancement to Level 3, boosting her Magic, Skill, Speed and Luck but ignoring her abysmal HP and other important stuff. Mary rolled her eyes and picked underneath her nails, wondering silently if Ricken was really _that _bad... "Stahl, get more Strength, you obviously need it."

"Don't we all?" Robin agreed, grateful that the army could finally get some Iron weapons with the 5000 gold Chrom came with. "Mary, the chapter's not done yet. Stop bothering that poor animal."

"She was rude to me, Robin."

"I don't give a dead pegasuses' last shit."

"You two, you can argue offscreen as much as you want." Chrom interrupted to break up the sibling's arguing. "We have to go and beg Feroxi for help before it's too late."

"Too late for _what_?" Mary challenged, unnaturally defiant. "The game can go on for as many hours as I want, and yet the world still isn't gonna be destroyed, Chrom. Damn Grima likes to just make people fear him..."

"Who?" Chrom asked, and Mary shut up at once. She compromised after a pause with, "...My imaginary friend. ...He keeps me... _company._"

* * *

The Brave Swords were not the only ones having a rather difficult afternoon. Several miles to the south was a little secret that the game programmers didn't know about (because GummyWormValkrie created it). What looked like a simple abandoned stagecoach stop was, in actuality, a secret kind of store that sold a highly popular product.

"THARJA! Cut the slack, and fill those bottles, we've not met our quota!" This voice came from a burly man in a dark uniform, making the young woman named Tharja roll her eyes. She was already very tired of spending so much time here, but it was either this or she'd have no past in-game. And being one of the most popular characters in the game, that was just not acceptable.

"Yes, yes." Tharja said in an annoyed tone. "More Strength tonic, coming right up. But would it kill you to be a bit more polite, may I ask?"

"Tharja, listen to me." the chaperone spoke, his voice getting louder as his tirade progressed. "People who live on the streets come here for help. There are over a hundred others here, most of them without a home and some without even a family. In order to support ourselves, we need to get some serious moolah! And the only way for us to GET some serious moolah is to DO some SERIOUS work! GOT THAT?!"

_Yes, with blimps like you, anybody would be short on gold. _Tharja's answer was silent but it was all she could do to restrain herself from putting a slow-death curse on the bulbous wretch. She bit her tongue and turned back to her station, grumbling to herself as she began to sharpen her working blade. A few seconds later a small trickle of blood emerged from her finger, landing in a flask filled with clear liquid.

"I have another ounce right here, isn't that good enough for just an hour's worth of harvest?" Tharja asked coolly, and the fat man reluctantly nodded with a glare.

"Cap that one and get back to the storehouse, you've got until sundown. One more ounce should do it." he ordered over his shoulder, lumbering away with an irritated growl as his toe was stubbed on a broken floorboard.

"Does it have to be so humid in here?" Tharja complained, stroking a length of her hair to asses its condition. It was unpleasantly damp and her face was flushed, even though she was standing next to an open window.

"This place ain't called a sweat shop for nothing, miss." the fat man growled, removing a damp towel that hung limply at his shoulders. "Get squeezin'."

* * *

Meanwhile, the Brave Swords had at long last been able to pack in their swords and settle in for a little while on the outskirts of the Feroxi arena. Problems arose among them, however.

"Ninety-seven... Ninety-eight... Ninety-nine..." Stahl muttered as he strained on his last few push-ups, sweating heavily. "..._One hundred!_"

"Fascinating." A familiar voice caused Stahl to notice Miriel was standing over him, holding a parchment and scrawling something on it with a scientific air. "My, Stahl, would you be willing to repeat your previous exercises so I would gather more information on them?"

"Er... I'd love to, but I just finished a hundred push-ups." Stahl pointed out politely, panting from the effort he'd already used. "Maybe next time, Mriel?"

"Hmmm... Not acceptable." Miriel muttered, looking at the ground and surreptitiously grabbing a rock. "I suppose I'll simply study this rock, then..."

Stahl groaned, barely resisting a roll of the eyes while Miriel turned the stone over in her hands, giving it a small toss to ascertain its weight. "Alright, alright... Damn, Miriel, I'd say you're one of the worst female partners in this game..."

"Why, thank you." To Stahl's surprise Miriel looked pleased with herself, adding more lines to her paper. "I believe if at least one unit performs below a standard, the remainder of the team will become encouraged to work harder to fill that gap the unit leaves. Of course, I myself am acting as that unit. Now you push and I'll count."

Gasping and sweating, Stahl re-did his hundred pushups while Miriel counted in amusement, and when Mary passed by their tent she could have sworn there was some kind of waifu going on between them from all the noise.

Sully and Virion did not fare much better. By now everyone knew that Virion had murdered Sumia in cold blood, and the only reason Mary had not promptly eliminated him was "because he makes a sweet-ass Griffon Rider with that Bowbreaker, Robin." Their conversations shall be left to speculation for the moment, but there were three important concepts involved to it: A heavy vase, a pile of horse manure, and a lot of nasty phrases.

Mary herself stood around the brawling two and laughed her head off at what Sully had to say to the archer, some of which actually cannot be repeated in the public domain. Not only was Sully irritated with the army's general situation, she also did not appreciate Virion's repeated attempts to improve her mood by way of persistent philandering.

"Virion, you horse-fucking, noodle-legged, dog-sucking pile of SHIT! I don't wanna be your girlfriend! Go fuck SOMEONE ELSE, ASSHOLE! I hear they haven't buried Sumia's body yet!"

With that statement, I conclude this chapter.


End file.
